Mechanical Allegories

December 29, 2010


There is a joke that says that men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken. Well, that depends on what you consider a good parking spot, my friend. At my age, I have given up circling the mall looking for the perfect spot when I go shopping. I actually look for the furthest spot, preferably in the shade. You probably think this is some kind of metaphor about how my priorities have shifted and my standards have lowered now that I'm older and it is more difficult to find men. Well, let me tell you, finding men – at any age – is as easy as “walking” into a chat room and typing, “Hi, my name is Lolita and I'm here to party!”


The reason I started parking far from the entrance to the mall started as and oft-suggested technique to get a little extra exercise into my day. You've read about it: park far and walk, climb the stairs instead of the elevator, shower in pairs. I may be wrong about the last one.


Anyway, I started to park farthest from the entrance in order to burn 7 calories, now I do it because it's convenient. As soon as I roll into the mall, I turn to the right or left and, voila! There, all along the border of the parking lot are scores of empty parking slots. This, of course, does not apply to holidays. I park, preferably under a tree, I close my car and I walk to the battlefield, passing scores of circling cars with annoyed chauffeurs inquiring: “Are you leaving? Are you parked close? HELP ME, PLEASE!!! I NEED TO SHOP!”


How far is it to the mall entrance, anyway? Has anyone done any research as to how many SECONDS you have to walk to the nearest door? Is that much shopping time lost? It takes an average of 61 seconds between parking far away and shopping bliss versus 71 seconds of circling. If you don't' believe me, check out Ivan Peterson's Math Trek.*


No one ever fights over a parking space at the fringes of the mall lot. No one, that is, except during holidays, that time of year when some people tend to feel lonely and depressed. Well, some people. I park far because I choose to, not because I have to.


Anyway, enough with that metaphor. On to another one.


When I was a young woman, I had my preferences as far as men went. They had to be very tall, very thin and preferably with dirty blonde hair. It so happens, most of the time that was the type of man I attracted. Opposites attract, you see, since I'm 5'4" and quite tanned. I have had two marriages and one long-term relationship since then. Only one was over six feet, none had blonde hair. With time, one realizes that what is attractive is not always on the surface.


These days, I smile inwardly when I hear young women talking about, "I don't like black men." "I hate like fat men." "I would never date an Asian guy." What? It's like going to a buffet and picking the same thing over and over. Me? I'll take the smothered pork with collard greens, the sausage lasagna and some Kung Pao Shrimp, please. And for dessert?


I'll have a parking space in the shade.


* http://www.maa.org/mathland/mathtrek_12_12_05.html